...and you will know us by the trail of cheetos

orange you glad you ate all that orange?

2009-05-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

when i was five, the babysitter let me eat a jumbo freezie. it was blue. i dont really know what flavour the blue ones are, but that is neither here nor there. the important thing to consider is that i was allowed to consume a giant tube of frozen sugar water and blue food dye #42. for fucks sake, the freezie was at least half my height! anyway, after a few hours of amazing glucose hallucinations, with me scratching the wallpaper in the hallway like a hamster trapped in a corner, the time came for me to extrude that freezie into a giant tube of my own. i went to the toilet and took a dump. when i finished, and looked down, i was amazed. my shit was blue. it looked like a neon sign of a lower-case "L", glowing bright blue in the toilet water. oh, the pride! i called everyone in to see it, and everyone agreed that i was super wicked cool.

the thing is, after all these years, i definitely have not pinched off a loaf that has caused as much excitement as that one. it sucks to peak at five. so, now, im thinking about changing my diet in order to create some new and amazing turds. call it 'fecal design'. for example, if i consumed only carrots, cheetos, and orange crush for a few days, i figure id end up having a spectacular orange poo. i could try black beans, blackberries, and guinness for a versatile, "goes-with-everything", sleek look in black. toss some corn niblets into the mix, and i've got myself polka-dots. the possibilities are endless.

try it yourself. add some colour into your life, and turn this...

into this...

cue 'art attack' theme music...

we are beerg. resistance is futile. part 2.

2009-05-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

my new dying wish is to open a star trek: the next generation-themed bar called 'ten forward'. for those who aint in the know (i.e. aint nerds), ten forward will be the lounge located on the tenth deck of the uss enterprise ncc-1701-d. it is where the crew go to get their drink on, play a little tri-dimensional chess, and talk to whoopi goldberg. jean-luc picard describes ten forward as "the hub of the ship's social activity" in season 3, episode 16. anyway...my bar will feature the sterile ambiance and streamlined decor of ten forward, and will also serve re-creations of the drinks referenced in the show, such as klingon bloodwine, bajoran ale, and acmarian brandy. it's a business plan that cant go wrong. i might as well buy my lamborghini and elephant man bones now, because this bar will be poppin' like boners. the only criticism of this endeavour that i have encountered so far is that some people think trekkies arent drinkers. this could not be further from the truth. trekkies are quite the mob of foul-mouthed, alcoholic perverts. i mean, instead of discussing dilithium chambers or some shit, st:tng fanatics are usually going on about what it must be like on risa (the sex planet), or the intricacies of having mind-sex with deanna troi. they relish that episode where everyone got some disease that mimicked the effects of alcohol intoxication, in which data bangs tasha yar. they imagine themselves right there, 'drunk' as hell, getting the inside scoop on the chemical make-up of data's robojizz. so, yeah, this bar is gonna rule. join me opening night, when the chateau picard champers will be on the house.

ten forward theme:

making your way in the final frontier today takes everything you've got,
seeking out new life and new civilizations sure would help a lot,
wouldn't you like to get away?
sometimes you want to go where no one has gone before.

typical ten forward customer:

we are beerg. resistance is futile. part 1.

2009-05-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

so, meghan's dad told me that beer-alcoholics outlive all other alcoholics because of the nutrients found in their drink of choice. that means that long after their wine-drinking and hard-liquor-drinking counterparts have died in the gutter with cirrhosis and hobo shorts, the beer-alkies are sitting pretty in their fancy rocket ships and billion-dollar mansions, healthy as fuck. so there...winos, vodkasluts, and brandyjags can suck it. and, to honour those brave, long-living, beer-soaked souls, we should all partake in some sort of beer adventure. whether it is the centurion, the 'beer cleanse' (which is the consumption of beer as all of your food and liquid for one week), or an old-fashioned session with some st. ides, raise your glass, raise it high, and most definitely, keep it wrapped in a paper bag. and remember, whichever adventure you choose, if you give it your all, the beershits will be the awesomest.

this is the first french fry of the rest of our lives...

2009-05-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

when something like this

happens, you feel ashamed to be a food-eating human. well, we've all hung our heads in shame for too long. the time has come to redeem ourselves in the eyes of our father, our maker, and our coach. so, lets eat those fries! and eat a mighty MAXXIWICH! no more complacent consumption. are we not humans? make all of your wildest food fantasies come true...and then have them haunt your ass the next day. it is OUR diarrhea to squirt, and don't let any circus animal tell you different.